Did you know that horniness is one of hundreds of reasons folks feel motivated to have sex? It’s not even the most common. Understanding your own desire, and what sex and relationship therapist, Cyndi Darnell, calls your erotic template, can help you cultivate an erotically charged sex life – whether you’re single or partnered. Learn much more in this week’s Girl Boner Radio episode!

a lightly edited Girl Boner Radio transcript

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Cyndi: I really want people who are listening to understand that this notion of being in a state of dating happn vs tinder desire within 30 seconds, it can happen for some people. But for a lot of people, it does not function like that. And that is completely normal. You don’t have to change how you respond sexually just to impress the person that you’re with. If you are a slow burn, it’s okay to be that way.

Cyndi Darnell is a sex and relationship therapist, originally from Australia, now based in New York City. As a trained psychotherapist, she runs a global consulting practice for individuals, couples and polycules navigating relationships and sexual difficulties.

Her first book, Sex When You Don’t Feel Like It: The Truth About Mismatched Libido and Rediscovering Desire, was released last month.

Cyndi has appeared here on the show before, most recently about one of her own extraordinary sexual experiences – or awakenings, really – which took place before the start of her career, when she took an erotic embodiment course. [excerpt?

I have a feeling many people will have their own erotic awakenings thanks to Sex When You Don’t Feel Like It.

“Sex When You Don’t Feel Like It, with Cyndi Darnell”

August: So I love the title of your book. I think it’s so compelling and I’m sure it resonates with so many people. Would you talk about why we might want to have sex when we don’t feel like it versus just not having sex?

Cyndi: Oh, that’s such a good question. The truth is people have sex for lots and lots and lots of reasons and feeling like it is a great reason, but it’s not the only reason. And I think because a lot of us, especially women and especially those of us who are, you know, getting a lot of our sex education from social media, and sort of feminist publications, a lot of the narrative in those places is you know, don’t do it unless you feel like it. Don’t do it if you’re not in the mood. You don’t owe anyone anything, and, and all of that is true. So let me start by saying all of that is true. And, what we don’t talk about is the fact that horniness, which is what we generally associate with being in the mood: are you horny? That is unreliable for a lot of people. For a lot of people that’s quite foreign. And then depending on the age that you are, if you are, you know, perimenopausal or postmenopausal. So if you’re over 40 years old, it’s very likely to be unreliable.